No purpose in life...

Take it all away from me, I don't deserve it. I'm a waste of time and resource, so I might be better off dead. All these years of life, all these years of emptiness, I've been drifting aimlessly. All dreams seem impossible, all goals seem unreachable. I keep falling, falling, in this bottomless pit. No parachutes, no grapple-hooks, nothing to clutch on to. That's okay, because even if there were, I probably won't feel motivated enough to use them.

I drift, I drift. I don't even know what I live for, as I can't find my purpose in life. Intangible goals ain't reachable, just like how you can't capture a cloud. I think of what I can do. Nothing, none that I can think of. I think of what I can't do. Everything, everything that seems possible, but not for me. All these time I spend doing nothing meaningful, except endless decisions about me. What should I do, what can I do?

I drift, I drift. I search all around, hoping to find my way out. But all the paths are taken by people much better than me, and I've got no chance. Once upon a time I thought my purpose in life was you, but I realise I don't have the right to. Even if I do, I ain't got the chance. I thought I found my path, only to discover it leads me back to square one. I sigh, looking at the ground, wondering if I should take another step or end it here.

I drift, I drift. The road seems to get darker and darker. I caught a glimpse of light. I turn expectantly towards it, and felt worse when I realised it was for someone else. Forget it, I lament, nobody cares for a nobody like me. I walk on.

I drift, I drift. I see illusions of a happier place, but illusions are illusions. I see a rest-stop! I proceed towards it. Finally, I thought, I don't have to walk on anymore. On the table I see a steep cliff. I step onto the edge. "Now I can finally rest eternally." But for some unknown reason, people saw me and won't let me rest. They pull me back on the road, blaming me for attempting this "foolish act" of taking a rest. They say I'm not supposed to rest yet. What a pain in the neck.

I drift, I drift. This must be dejavu, yet another stop. A blade on a table. How nice. In fact, it's perfect. I decided my left wrist to be the perfect spot. I look around. No one. Great. I pick it up, and leaned it against my obvious blood vessels on the wrist. Ah, I can already see an apparition of my body in the sleep of eternity. It's okay, just a quick jerk of the blade. I said: "Goodbye world, hope the next life would be better." I shut my eyes. ... Argh. An abrasion, but no blood. This blade sucks. I toss it aside and walk away. FML.

I drift, I drift. I find myself totally lost. The blade should have been sharper. I fail even more, getting from bad to worse, worse to worst. People are all ahead of me. But why do I care? Why do I work so hard for? To be rich? To enjoy life? Lies. I'm gonna be penniless, and I don't enjoy life a bit. Everytime I see a possible rest-stop, I procrastinate. What am I waiting for? I don't know why, but I keep missing the rest-stops. Every step I take makes me more and more lost. For now, I continue walking, hoping to succeed in either finding a purpose in life or a rest-stop for me to end this all.

I drift, I drift...

Dreams, shadows of Fate and Destiny

Dreams? Those are just fantasy, fake. Wake up, dreams don't come true, only the worst nightmares will. It's alright to dream once in a while, to lie to yourself so as to numb your mind and try to forget the pain. But you'll have to accept that when the effect wears off, or when you are jerked back to reality, it's going to be twice as painful. You can numb yourself for an instant, only to face the full brunt of sorrow afterwards, or accept nightmares the way they are, and live your life by an unspoken rule and a silent fate. The choice lies within yourself, and I have chosen the latter.

People say that our fates lie in our own hands, but I have handed mine back to Destiny itself, for him to decide my fate for me, while I live along his choice. He is way too strong, and I have learnt that retaliation only ends in casualty and sacrifice. My life is now not about what I want, but what Destiny decides. I'm indecisive no more, Destiny is the master I have chosen to serve, my fate is in his hands, and I can only abide by it.

I shall blaze, and be reborn from the ashes...

My life is like a flame, once searing, blazing. But the flame has ran out of fuel to burn on, and died down to a tiny ember. I now grasp the ember weakly, worrying it may extinguish. I know in my burning heart that the flame must not go off so soon, as the future holds many more chances for my flame to engulf and rise from the shadows.

However, I now see a dark future which my little ember cannot illuminate. I'm afraid. My heart, soul, hopes and dreams have simmered to nothing but a faint glow. Yet I cling on to this dying ember, waiting in hope of a chance of relight. How I wish some kind soul could come by and give my flame a little sprinkle of fuel to encourage its combustion, but no one would. Nobody would notice this insignificant and weak ember. Thus I have to fuel it myself. I search and hunt everywhere for new hope, but sometimes I get so tired I feel like ending it all and leave the little flame to chance. I'm tired of it all and feel in unrest. I thought, then sought peace and silence, but the singe of sadness charred me again and tears have almost extinguished the fire.

Then, from seemingly nowhere, or perhaps from my heart, soul and mind, came a sudden surging blaze of will and determination. I must never, ever disappoint those flames all around me, especially those flames which I started burning from, who started my flame and protected me from the storms, all those flames who trusted that my flame would blaze high and bright and trained me to improve, and also all those flames close to me, who stayed by me and burn me up when I lay low and cold. These flames I must never disappoint, no matter how small my flame burns, no matter how cold and exhausted I feel, no matter how much the sacrifice.

My flame now burns white-hot with fiery will and raging determination, as I charge my searing force forwards, engulfing all obstacles and surge towards my goal, and yet another beginning shall rise from it, but I shall face it all the same, with my undying flame. If I can survive it once, I shall face it a million times with courage when neccessary, and still be reborn from the ashes even if I burn.

My B'day Party!

It wasn't completely what I expected, but I must say it went quite well after all. Lucky Hao Wei got come, although he didn't notify me. He came soooooo early too, while others were damn late lor. Nvm la, 迟到好过没到, thx everyone who came for coming! Here r some pics, not many, only 3.

1st Blog, 1st Post

Hi this is the 1st post on my 1st new blog. I'm just starting out, first time making a blog. Below are some info.

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/ctxl1

Hotmail: tan-xinlin@hotmail.com (main) winniethep00@hotmail.com (extra)

Gmail: calvin.tan.xinlin@gmail.com

This is currently all I can think of. Will definitely be updated... Soon...

X(L+D)